Re-thinking sleepovers or pajama parties.
Growing up I was not allowed to stay at friends house overnight. When I was in high school I was given permission a couple of times ant it was ok. Pajama parties or sleep overs may be a common thing to do in our culture, but I would like to give you some reasons why we need to rethink this and make some adjustments. I will list them in no particular order.
Kid’s safety:
One in 10 children will be sexually abused before age 18.
90% of sexual abuse victims know their abuser. (This statistic scares me, because we usually trust those who are close to us. 30% of kids in this category, have been abuse by a family member).
One in seven incidents of child sexual abuse are perpetrated by juveniles and occurs on schooldays.
Of children who are sexually abused 20% are abused before the age of eight.
To receive more information on this statistics and see the source where it came from, click here.
What influence and things they are expose to:
Each family has different ideas of what is okay to watch, eat and talk about, i.e. some are okay letting their children watch TV with adult content, or not so careful with alcoholic drinks around minors, or use strong language in their everyday talk.
I personally went to a sleep over when I was in high school (I guess my mom thought I was old enough to go), and it turned out to be a bad experience for me. It started fun with a bunch of friends, but as time progressed and we were behind doors, the conversations got X-rated and I felt so uncomfortable, I called my mom and asked her to pick me up. Not every kid does this, to call their parent, when they feel uncomfortable, and so many get junk into their minds or do stupid things because they want to fit in. I remember being at a person’s house that we were close to and visited frequently, and as all of us kids were playing around we stumbled on a stack of porn magazines and started looking at them. At the time I didn’t know what they were, but all I knew is that I felt really dirty afterwards and weeks later of feeling like this, I told my mother. (By the way, this is how a lot of kids get hooked into porn, innocently stumble into it).
Kids love secrets and to start talking about secretive things late at night, can be good and bad, because innocent games like truth or dare, can lead to conversations they know parents won’t approved, or learning for the first time things like sexuality, etc.. that they should learn at home from their parents or a trusted adult. (Of course this applies more to the younger kids, like mine).
Your own safety as the host. Last thing you want, is to be accused or have your reputation questioned.
You may be thinking that I am spoiling and taking out the fun out of a simple sleep over. However, I share this because over the years, as a pastor, I have received plenty of training on protecting kids and also protecting ourselves. It is sad that some kids makes false accusations, 4-8% of reported sexual abuse are fabricated, as adults we need to take care of our reputation. This training and my own experienced have led me to modify how sleep overs look like. My goal is not to spoil the fun for my kids, but to create an safe environment for everyone. Of course, depending on your kids age, maturity and trust level, you make adjustments, by keeping the above points in mind. Each kid and circumstance is different so what works for you and your child/teen may be different.
MY MODIFIED VERSION- of how my sleep overs look like, for my primary age girls.
Each kid comes with their parent/adult.
Kids are not allowed to lock themselves in a room, doors should always be open. (Growing up, I had a friend that was obsess with playing naked, and as a little kid, I didn’t like that at all, usually this type a play was encouraged by her when we were all locked up in a room).
I have a well plan schedule for the evening. I give them some alone playing time at the beginning, later we have games and then finish with a movie.
I make it fun (you can do your own version of fun). I found some pajama’s on sale and bought the kids matching ones, made a little fun bag from the dollar store and put candy and games in it. We made the cutest tents for the girls to go in during the movie and made a pillow case with each of the girl’s name.
We all camped in the living room, moms and kids. I gave the option for those who wanted to use the guest room.
Made a special breakfast.
I also had fun with the moms and got their help.
This sleepover rule applies to all friends, because even though, I know people I can trust without a doubt, my children may not understand this, so it is better to have the same rule across the board. When they get older we can make adjustments.
In conclusion, before you have your next sleepover, keep in mind your kids safety, influences and your own reputation. Our kids are small only once and this is the time that we need to be careful of all of the things that are going in their minds. Depending on maturity level, how well you know the other kids and their family etc, then you can have more wiggle room for more freedom. It’s important to keep in mind how well our kids can stand up for themselves and protect themselves. I was heart broken to hear how a girl got molested in a camping trip by another 2 girls her age. Once again, I am not trying to be a pessimist or a joy killer, I just want to bring awareness of things that we need to think about carefully and then plan afterwards a great sleepover. Feel free to share in the comments below, your ideas of what has worked for you.
