How to Stay in Love
I have been married for 14 years. Yes I know, for some of you it's a long time and for others it's nothing. All I know is that during these 14 years, I have experienced and learned some valuable lessons, not only for the benefit of my marriage but to share with others.
Let me start by telling you about our personalities. My hubby is a focused and ambitious worker, but relaxed, calm and laid back at home. On the other hand, I am a busy person, with plans and projects going on most of the time. Our personalities complement each other and make us a great team. However, these same personality differences can drive both of us insane...especially me.
During our 14 years, we have had some amazing times together, but we've also had some painful ones too. I believe we have experienced the growing pains that many marriages go through in the early stages and have adapted accordingly. But when you start to pass the 7 year mark, then 10 years +, you begin to wonder what's going on when tension peaks its ugly head out. In our case, we have some unresolved issues that we are still working on. However, what’s important is how we handle the tension and conflict. Couples react differently to conflict. Someone (or both) will retreat, while the other one wants to talk about it. Other couples will deal with it right away. Whether that be in a civilized and respectful way, or however it comes out in the moment. Lastly, some couples respect each other's way of dealing with conflict and eventually work things out together or may seek a third party to help.
So what causes the most tension in our marriage? That would be communication and more specifically, the way we each operate and our drive/intensity as to how we approach life. Like I said earlier, he is more relaxed at home and leaves most of his focus and ambition at work. However, I am on a high drive, 97% of the time. These seemingly harmless issues can eventually tear relationships apart, especially when we don't handle them well. How tension and conflict are handled as a couple, is what I consider to be a crucial lesson to learn early on in marriage. Of course if you haven’t learned yet, it’s never too late!
Here are a few things I have learned over these 14 years on how to stay in love and not allow the painful moments in my marriage, tear us apart:
• Love is a choice, so I choose to love my husband.
• Very often, I take time to remember what brought us together and why I fell in love with him.
• I honestly believe God brought us together.
• I like to read books and listen to seminars on marriage. My husband does a little more in this department than most guys do. I think he realizes that this is vital for the health of our marriage, due to our strong personalities. But ladies, I still have to ask him to do it and yes, sometimes I have to ask more than once, lol. I know this can be a touchy issue because some spouses seem to be allergic to seminars, retreats, and counselors :)
• I remind myself that we are two broken pieces that are still being worked on to make a masterpiece.
• I like to go back to the root of the problem and remind myself what the real issue is, as opposed to the immediate argument. I believe that this is where most marriages either survive or die. It's about understanding and figuring out the root of the problem, and how to handle it. I am not talking about adultery or abuse. I am talking about pride, anger, fear, negativity, pain, etc…
• I try to not make big decisions that are fueled by pain, frustration, or anger. I wait until I am calm and have prayed about it. I also like to discuss it with a neutral person. There have been times, during these 14 years, that I have wanted to leave to some vacation place, leave my hubby behind and not tell him. Times when I want to give him an ultimatum or just leave emotionally, because of the pain and frustration I was feeling from our unresolved issues or the way we handled them. Divorce is not something my husband and I believe in unless there is adultery or abuse, and forgiveness has been given but the guilty party doesn’t desire change. Having said this, I have entertained the thought a few times…I am being transparent with you, but when I calmed down and logically thought about it, I realized that there is no grounds for divorce. The PAIN AND LIFE ISSUES that our divorce would cause my children, is a motivator to stay. Also, when I was working as a pastor, the thought of letting my church down was huge. I have a blog post about this specifically, click here.
• I guard our time together. I don't allow work or family life to suffocate our quality time together. This is a huge deal for us. It allows us both to feel connected and experience complete intimacy. Of course this is something that I learned by making the mistake of little by little allowing things to get in the way of our quality time.
• I put myself aside and think of my husband first. I think of all the dynamics he has going on and how he is feeling. Many times, I didn’t realize that we had an argument because I was so involved in my side of the story, and failed to realized what my husband had going on. My best friend used a profound word to describe the reason why so many marriages fail. SELFISHNESS. So true, if I follow Christ example to love us unconditionally. He gave His life for us, and He encourages us to do the same. This does NOT mean allowing abuse of any kind. I emphasize this, because as a pastor, I heard spouses in these situations; willing to allow abuse and hoping for change. If you find yourself in this situation, you need to seek professional help and/or remove yourself from that situation permanently or until there is true change.
• Triggers, everyone has a limit or that one thing that will rub them the wrong way. Identifying what those triggers are and staying away from them is super important.
I was also recently introduced to Emotional Focus Therapy. I have been listening to a book and my hubby and I have been doing the workbook together. I have enjoyed it because sometimes we get stuck on the same level of communication as a couple, but this workbook, helps you go deeper. It is important that we invest in the growth of our relationships, some people wait until there is a major problem, some like to do it to prevent problems. I think of how many professions require, continuing education and I always been a promoter of continuing education for marriages and parenting too.
Click here to see other resources, I have used either in my marriage or as a pastor, to recommend to other couples in counseling.
