Blended Family
My combo- When I got married I got two for the price of one. I got a handsome husband and son. My first child, was potty trained, walked and talked....I loved it!
Hubby and I met at a church that I was working at. He came to nightly meetings for about four weeks. When we first saw each other we didn't introduced ourselves, but we did a whole bunch of eyeballing until I got the courage to introduce myself, as I did with everyone else (of course it was part of my job to befriend everyone). We started talking at the end of the meetings when I was done talking to all the visitors, I would come over and say hi to Rene and his friend that came with him every night. Soon, he started coming before the meetings started so he could catch me alone and not with his friend. On one of these occasions he came with this cute little boy hiding behind his leg, and Rene proceeded to introduce me to his son and I went from :) happy to :( sad in my mind of course. My next thought was....just wait for him to say- "this is my wife." As you know the story, it was just him and his son. I have to admit to you that this threw me off and I began a conversation with the Lord about it. At 22 years old the thought of dating someone divorced and with a child had never crossed my mind and now I need to think about it.
After the Lord and I had talked, I felt peace about this relationship. I didn't get that same feed back from others close to me and this was hard, but I was able to learn a lot about God, myself and others. (Some of you may be wondering what's the big deal, and I agree with you. It should not be a big deal, but it is something to definitely think about carefully, which I will explain later). So here is what I learned:
1. Sometimes without us realizing it, we may have prejudices toward people that are different than us, or have a past (good or bad) different than ours.
2. In some social groups and communities of faith, people that have been divorced do not feel like they always fit in. (My husband and I have met some).
3. When I finally said yes to my husband, I knew that in my marriage there would be extra tears. I am not going to lie to you, but relationships are complex and when you add another dynamic, I knew this would translate to tears. I was ok with that and I was prepare for it. Please do not take this as a negative thing, but a realistic thing.
4. I love all three of my children. If you cannot love the child/children of your spouse or person that you are dating, I think its wrong (yes I am opinionated). I believe that when you love a person to the point you are ready to spend the rest of your life with them, it is impossible not to love their little ones (or big ones). Children are God's gift to every parent.
5. Everything at home will not be the same for everyone. Yes, I know what you are thinking, under my roof this is how it goes.... Well, yes and no. You have to have rules across the board or else we go into favoritism. Rules are one thing and the way we implement them is another. For example I discipline all of my children. My (hubby's) son was 7 years old when we married, and I never spanked him, but I have spanked my 7 year birth daughter, at least once!
6. Respect the other parent, for the emotional health of the child or children involved. I know some divorces are messy. I am a pastor, I have heard it all, but one thing that can easily happens is that it becomes war between the ex's and the kids are the weapons and casualties. Hubby and I have tried as much as possible to respect our son's mother. I have always taught him to be respectful to her.
There is so much to learn in life and this is another fascinating topic that we can grow in. In another post I will share more about our journey and hope to hear what has work for you too.
