Husbands, reflective listening can enhance your marriage.
Before we got married my husband and I planned to have a baby after two years of marriage. However, not too long after the wedding I was ready to nurture and cuddle a small bundle of joy. That’s when my amazing husband killed two birds with one stone. He bought his 9 year old the puppy he wanted and I got a small chihuahua to cuddle. I must say that this was a great idea and it worked, but right at the two year mark I started talking about a baby. And for the next couple of years, at least for what it seemed to my husband, all I wanted to talk about was to have a baby, and all he did, or what it seemed to me, was to ignore the subject. Of course, we did talk about it and how it would be best to wait. But from time to time, I would get this unexplainable desire to have a baby. I was ok adopting or trying to get pregnant. But hubby was not wanting to EVER talk about it. So here is what I learned from this five year experience:
1. Not all women are like me. I have to talk and dream about it. I want to include it in my short and long term planning. This is how I have accomplished most of the milestones in my life. I talked, prayed and dreamed about them. Yes, other women are more matter of fact, down to earth, get over it. If that’s your wife, the rest of this might have minimum impact on you, but keep reading. Lol.
2. Husbands- avoiding subject doesn’t make it go away. I know this is hard because when you get home, the last thing you want, is to talk about that “conversation” you have been trying to avoid. But if avoiding has work for you, congratulations! If not keep reading!
3. For those that avoiding the subject doesn’t work, I challenge you to do some reflective listening. “So you feel ready to have a baby...oh, it sounds like this is important for you.” Guys, let’s be real, stop being afraid of dreaming with your wife. As long as you don’t promise her anything you are not going to carry through, there is nothing wrong with saying. “Honey, that would be nice to have a baby, I know it’s not the time right now, but when we do have one, who do you think it will look like?” “What kind of parents do you think we will be?” Or if it’s a new car or a trip....you name it. Give yourself permission to dream with her and gently remind her that it’s in the future. “As soon as we finish paying off our debt, you will get the new car. What color did you say you wanted?”
I know this sounds like so much work, but to invest five minutes of healthy day dreaming with your wife can buy some brownie points. Even to pray about it can be helpful....I am not talking about, “Lord help her understand this is not the time.” Instead, you can pray for the type of parents you will be, or wisdom in finances in order to have wiggle room to spoil yourself a little, or whatever that thing may be that you are ignoring, but pray for the benefit that eventually will have on the family or for enlightened on other pontetial dynamics in which “that” can bring upon the marriage. Like moving to another city, changing careers, staying at home, financially supporting a charity, helping a family member, and the list can continue.
In general, I have always love to day dream with hubby.....looking back this is what those conversations about the baby were all about, but he was such a dream killer. It seemed to me, that whatever it was that I wanted to pretend or what if, he would shoot it down.....he was such a realist or whatever you want to call him, but I would be so frustrated, because I like to talk and ask what if questions. (Oh, don't take me wrong, this is not something I did all the time). Well, I soon learn to respect his way of thinking (dream killer :) and 13+ years of marriage later, he has learn to have some fun from time to time and dream a little. After all, some healthy day dreaming doesn't hurt anyone and best of all, its free!
Picture used from Spark Post
